A while ago (and I mean like months ago!) I went on a date with a guy that was 38. About a 13 year difference. I wasn’t too sure about it, but why the hell not. This whole dating thing is all about adventure anyways right?! So we meet up at this Mexican joint (points for him) with really good margaritas (extra points!). He gets there before I do (more points cause I wasn’t running late) put our name down and waits patiently for my arrival, haha. Actually, at this point I was driving around trying to find parking. I’m not the biggest LA/ Hollywood fan when I’m the one driving. Finally I say fuck it and park it Valet. Valet is my friend…most of the time. I get out and we meet out front. I notice he looked like his pics, but maybe a tad bit older looking. Side note: You know people put many pics on their profiles (at least those are the ones that I tend to answer back. I refuse profiles with one or sometimes two pics only!) and I’m usually drawn to one particular picture and hope that that was the recent one, or that they have decided to cut their hair back to looking like that and/or now dress like that… on a daily basis. Well, he didn’t look like the pic that I had picked out for him, but whatever.

So, we chit chat outside for a bit and then head in. I’m not gonna lie the place was cute and the margs were good. I should also mention that he has a 6 month old baby. This is not a problem for me. He was honest about it in the beginning on the profile and I like that. So, again we chit chat inside, he was good at keeping up conversation (which on first dates, I’m not the best at) and complimentary which was nice because he didn’t do it too much. You know the guys that compliment TOO much and it just ends up making you uncomfortable?! It’s like save some for date 2 buddy!!!

We talked about our love of wine, which is nice because it would be really great to find a guy that enjoys wine. Not only do I want the white picket fence and blue shutters, but I want the weekend trips to vineyards with fruit and sandwiches on a wide open green lawn with beautiful oak trees! Not asking much right?! So, mucho points there. We also have a common love for sushi (hard to find anyone who doesn’t know a days, unless they live under a rock!). I hate ginger and he loves it so it gave me another plate to put it on to get it off of mine, haha. The night ended fairly early, we both needed to work the next day (and by fairly I mean like 11pm, I still had to drive home an hour). He walked me to my car aka valet. Paid for my valet (POINTS!!!). He talked about us going for sushi the next week so he could steal my ginger. I said sounds great, we hugged and I got in my car and headed home. All in all the date was pretty good.

So, what happened when he called me a few days later… I didn’t answer. And then when he emailed me the day after that what happened….I didn’t answer that either. I just practically disappeared to this guy…*poof* gone! Why you ask? I have no idea to tell you the truth. The guy was great, but there was no spark. Do sparks exist anymore?! I’m starting to question or do I just fail at dating???

(I REALLY wish I didn’t have an ipod crash and could sort by most played with accuracy right now)

Captain Pants – Feel that Fire – Dierks Bentley
Well this one is hard … we are both musical people who listen to lyrics and then apply them to ourselves. We also happen to be musical soul mates. When we first met it’s actually part of how we bonded … she likes just as much crap music as I do … if not more! But I’d have to say the first song that came to mind is above. She kept telling me about a song that was written about her … turns out it was written about me too. Now if we can just find the guys who wrote it .. we would be golden! YES! It’s a country song … but the lyrics are the important part. I have a bunch of songs that remind me of fun memories with her … but this one reminds me of her as a person.

Big Beef- Ain’t No Fun If the Homies Can’t Have None –The Dogg Pound
Big Beef is my oldest friend. We met the first week of 9th grade and while our lives are vastly different (She is a very strong Christian woman) we still know that no one knows us like the other one. When we were younger we were both rebellious little fuckers and we were defiantly partners in crime. As a Joke, we changed the lyrics to this song to make it for girls and put our names in it. We would sing it in her car and laugh the whole time. We thought it was hilarious! We did this with a lot of songs so it was really hard to choose one song. But then again at 13 we used to jump around on my couches using hair brushes as mics and sing “I feel good “ by James Brown too. Our idea of funny … is probably NO ONE elses.

My Mom – Brown Eyed Girl – Van Morrison
I have vivid memories of my Mom singing this song to my dog (who happened to be a golden/lab with brown eyes) in the kitchen while she made dinner. She did this often. It made me smile then and makes me smile now.

My Dad – Sittin on the dock of the bay –Otis Redding
There were 2 things my dad did for me when I was little that are still some of my best memories. 1. He held me up and pushed the gas on the Racecar game (I was too little to reach it and back them we had arcades, not game consoles) while I used the steering wheel. I was like 5 and the champ at that game! 2. He used to let me sit on his lap and let me think I was driving his truck. I was convinced I was … but the sad part about getting older is you look back on memories and realize you were pretty damn gullible. My Dad is a big Al green, Otis Redding Fan. I remember hearing this song a lot while “driving” his Chevy truck.

BFFEx- No Ceiling – Eddie Vedder
This one wasn’t hard at all! While I have several songs that remind me of him .. mostly Pearl Jam and Rolling Stones … the lyrics to this one are a 110% fit for us. He actually gifted me the Into The Wild Soundtrack during a rough patch in my life. Then we saw it performed live together which maybe one of the most special concerts I ever saw … and all of this was LONG after we broke up. I feel like the last line “This love has got No Ceiling” is very true for us. Our love of each other as people is always evolving. He recently told me I was his family … and that meant more to me then he will ever know. Especially since he doesn’t read this blog =)

EMOEx- Hold You In My Arms – Ray LaMontagne
EMOEx was the person I dated after BFFEx. I felt very broken when we started our relationship. NEVER a good thing … and I appreciate everything he did for me. He even watched me sob uncontrollably about my break up with BFFEx … and held me. What kind of guy does that? He is an amazing human being and literally changed my life. Don’t get me wrong .. we broke up for a reason … we didn’t work that way at all. And he is with what I believe to be his soul mate now … and I am very happy for him. He even chats with me on things he is gonna do for her and I actually help with ideas. I am genuinely happy for him! This song reminds me of him every time I hear it for this line “When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears, It was easy to see you’d been crying”. It reminds me of how amazing he was with me! I would have NEVER put up with the crap I put him through …and I thank him secretly every time I hear it because he started me on the road to changing me.

Mr. Sunshine – Buttons – Pussycat Dolls
One day I picked Mr. Sunshine up to head down to Venice. As soon as he got in my car I said “Your going to hate everything on my Ipod” he tried to be polite and say it was fine. You see Mr. Sunshine is into underground Hip Hop and is not a Britney Spears fan like myself. For some reason my Ipod shuffled to the Pussycat Dolls SEVERAL times in about a 20 min time frame. The second time it put on Buttons, he said “OK that’s it!” and plugged in his IPod, Which made me laugh. Apparently my IPod likes to abuse everyone … not just me. Which I am thrilled he did because that is the day he played Asher Roth for me whom I happen to really like now. But every time this song comes on I laugh to myself thinking of his distain for the song!

Mr. Smooth- Crazy Bitch – Buck Cherry
One night Mr. Smooth and I had a long conversation about astrological signs. We got to the topic of Scorpios … especially Scorpio Woman. Which I am very familiar with. A few days later I decided this song was probably written about one and texted him the 411. Now every time I hear it .. I think of him and our long conversations about .. well anything and everything!

Anti-Pornstar- Whatever You Like – T.I.
Anti-Pornstar, Captain Pants, Myself and one other girl went to a concert. It was in B.F.E … but SO worth it! (A special thanks to Mr. Sunshine for the Tickets) We got a little tipsy at a killer show and then headed home. On the way home this song came on. 4 chicks were screaming it at the top of their lungs … it was so much fun, and comical! We also watched a bunch of music videos while in the car and drooled over boys. It was an awesome girl car ride .. and night for that matter!

Buffy Lover – Get Busy – Sean Paul
Buffy Lover is an old friend of mine as well. We bonded over our love of the TV Show Buffy the Vampire Slayer and would have Buffy Watching Nights together. She is all married with babies now … but I was there for her club days. Actually I’m here for both and what an interesting transition it’s been. She was a wild party girl then and an awesome mom and wife now. Im meeting her new addition in 2 weeks! Buffy Lover came and lived with me for a bit during the height of popularity for this song. We would go to our fav clubs, get drunk on Blue Hawaiians (Hey people … it was a long time ago!) and instantly hit the dance floor as soon as this song came on. We had a blast that unbearably hot summer!

The Alleged Ringleader- Get Money – Junior Mafia
The Alleged Ringleader writes on The Mean Girls guide to Glory .. and if you’re not reading it your missing out! She is Fab and Funny! A small fact most people don’t know … is we knew each other in high school. I have NO IDEA why I remember this but every time I hear this song I remember being in her car, ditching school, smoking cigs and driving through box canyon. I can’t remember where we were going or when the hell it was … but I do remember that. I think we had that damn song on repeat … funny enough, I still love that song. Before we reconnected via the amazingness of the internet … anytime I heard it I wondered what her and her old best friend were doing/up to now. Funny how that happens. And I will let her know something here I have never told her … she is the reason I had the courage to finally do a blog. I had said forever I was going to … then I read her’s and loved it! I figured if she was brave enough to do it .. then I can get off my ass, stop talking and do it too. So thank you Alleged Ringleader, without you there may have not been a Whoremotions.

Boy – Use Somebody – Kings of Leon
This may have been my toughest. We have had SO many phases to our friendship/best friends/ hanging out/friendship/ not talking to each other at all … it was hard to nail down 1 song. I actually have a full playlist that reminds me of him because we played it on a car trip. I almost felt inclined to do a song for each phase because I hate making decisions. Part of me wanted to pick the “mean” song because I’m still a little peeved at him .. but since I’m pretty much over it, it would just be focusing on something I don’t really feel anymore and he has apologized … which meant a LOT to me. He isn’t a big apologizer and I didn’t make it easy to do so. So I know he went out of his comfort zone for that. For the record the mean song isn’t that “mean” and is mostly about my frustration of not seeing him do the things he should be doing to make himself happy.

:::: FML, I just spilled coffee all over myself!! … so these will get shorter as I need to change :::

Lil Bro- Cold Hard Bitch – Jet
Lil Bro is not really my little brother, but he might as well be. He is one of my previous co-workers and dear friend. Many years ago … like 5 … I used to pick him up and bring him to work every day. At some point I found this song and loved it. Then he started requesting it in my car. We outplayed this song! We also had a lot of great conversations while listening to it.

Ex Flame #208- World Outside – The Devlins
(For the record #208 is NOT a real number .. I pulled it out of my ass, but since I named him that in my post about “I create Awkward Moments” … I figured I should stick with that) I would have thought my gut instinct on this one would be “The Blowers Daughter” by Damien Rice because he used to text me the lyrics. I had fallen in love with the song after he had forced me to watch the movie Closer … which I LOVED. Ex Flame #208 may be a pathological liar … which I have always known, but he has the best stories … so I kind of enjoy it. He’s fascinating! But at the same time … I find him a little … sad. There are several lyrics in this song that remind me of him.” And say you believe it, All of your lies, Tell me you feel it, And don’t compromise, oh no” Because I’m sure he does believe them all. “Your light in my dreams, Light up my skin” because he did a lot for my confidence level. I owe him tons of gratitude for that. He was the first man to every make me feel really beautiful and very sexy.

The Korean – I will Posses Your Heart – Death Cab for Cutie
You see the Korean has amazing musical taste. She always tells me about songs/bands I will like a year or so before I actually get around to doing so and proving her right. This happens to be one of those songs. I LOVE this song. By the time I have told her she converted me into a fan … she is way over it and has moved on to 100 more artist. Last time I checked she could run her itunes on shuffle for like 72 days or something insane like that.

BE Rad – Play – David Banner
BE Rad and I shared an office many years ago. When he first started with the company he drove me crazy! He would play this song constantly while I was trying to do business phone calls. If you have ever listened to the words it’s enough to make a veteran pornographer blush. Now I love it and it makes me laugh. He played it so many times … it grew on me .. like mold.

D O Double G – How to Survive in South Central – Ice Cube
D O Double G is an almost middle aged white guy from the middle of the US. He is a huge fan of gangster rap. He moved out to LA about a year ago. One of the first things he wanted to do when he got out here was go to Compton because he had heard so much about it in all of his favorite songs. I thought this was fairly comical and tried to explain it was probably not the best idea to go to Compton as a tourist. Well he did .. and he loved it! He has several pictures to prove it …

I could probably do this all day, but I’m still wet from the coffee! I also need to get ready to go to Big Beef’s Easter Dinner. We compromised … I could skip church if I made it to dinner! Which I wouldn’t have missed anyway … she makes the BEST deviled eggs!

1. Are fluffers real? My friends friends cousin told me he knew a fluffer, I know they are real!

NO! Fluffers are NOT real! I’m sure at one point they MAY have been … but they aren’t now. But then again there supposedly used to be piles of cocaine on set too and … well those are still there. I kid! The Pornstar IS the fluffer I guess you can say, but in most instances it’s the male talents hand. I have a running joke in this biz about fluffers “… If Fluffers are real, they must be located next to the Unicorns by the craft service table!” P.S. 95% of Porn sets do NOT have craft service either! And what we have I wouldn’t call craft service … I call it “A PA went and got you all some food because we are gonna be here awhile and don’t want you bitching, leaving or passing out! So shut your dirty whore mouths!” Which is a blessing for me … craft service can mess with a girls diet and after all set is all about how comfortable I am ::wink, wink::!

2. Do you actually see the sex? Do you watch sex all day long?

Yes I do. I have seen more sex in more ways than I could ever care to or thought were possible. When I first got in the biz it made me uncomfortable … but that was many moons ago. You can pretty much do anything in front of me and I won’t bat an eyelash .. hell your doing something right if I notice. OK I’m not that blind … but it is so common place at this point that it could be two people talking about Physics and I would be just as interested. To people in the biz, sex is what your marketing .. so essentially it becomes a product. Don’t get me wrong … I notice when something is sexy, when a scene has great chemistry, etc. But mostly from a product stand point. I have seen straight sex, girl on girl and even boy on boy!

3. Your office environment must be crazy! What are the people like? Nobody is very professional are they?

Porn is a billion+ dollar industry … yes we are professional, well most of us. BUT, we are all probably in it because we don’t have to deal with corporate BS. We have politics , just like everyone else … but we also don’t have to wear suits to be taken seriously and almost every event we have has open bars! (Thank god! I have to drink to be around some of these people!) The people in the biz are just like everyone else. MOST fell into it somehow. I have met very few people who pursued this industry, most of us seem to be a product of our location and the fact we don’t have an aversion to naked people or think porn is disgusting! One thing people don’t know is while we are a big industry (last count aka guesstimation by a 2cd rate newspaper, 6000 just in the San Fernando valley) we are also VERY small. We are like a close knit family … or like I like to call it, 13th grade!

4. People from your business must constantly be having sex! You have probably done everything sexually huh?

The ones who are paid to have sex sure have a lot of it! But I find a common thread for the rest of us in the business … we seem to crave intimacy more. Maybe it’s a female thing … but when you see so much emotionless sex you crave the emotional connection more than anything. Don’t get me wrong .. I like to have sex, I like it a lot! But I crave sex WITH intimacy. That doesn’t mean I can’t get down and dirty, rough or have the occasional one night stand … but I don’t crave that. One thing porn did to my sex life I NEVER expected … made me very submissive in the bedroom. I think because I am so dominate all day. Wow! It’s late while I’m writing this … over share much? And NO, I have not done everything sexually! Much to the disappointment of “civilians” … BUT I would say being around so much sexuality has made me much more in touch with my own. Not that i was that out of touch with it … ya know what i’m sayin!

5. Have you ever been in a porno?

Yes. The answer is YES! You didn’t ask if I have had sex on camera … or gotten naked on camera … that answer would be NO. I have done random dialog parts because we had missing extras … and I was the voice of a character in a movie as well. But no, I have never had sex on camera!

6. Do your parents know what you do?

Yes … even my grandmother. She asks me how biz is going about once a month and she is 76. My Dad actually suggested I pursue the industry. I had gotten a side job in the biz and told my Dad about it. He gave me a valuable piece of advice. “Porn will never die as an industry and it’s recession proof … How can you go full time?” He wired me $500 bucks the next day to start me off. Everyone in my family knows what I do. My Mom also gave me valuable advice for this biz “Make sure that no matter what you’re doing you can look at yourself in the mirror and be happy with who you are!” That came in handy in several business decisions. It’s made me sometimes TOO nice when it comes to biz and not as cut throat as “I should” be … but I can look myself in the mirror every day. I am happy with what I see. I am 110% comfortable with what I do. I will probably do it until I retire.

7. Pornstars must be riddled with STD’s!

Actually a Pornstar is the SAFEST girl you can bring home from the bar. They are tested for STD’s every 30 days and due to the biz, know the first signs of “something weird” going on. I don’t know a single girl who is tested every 30 days. I know civilian girls who haven’t been tested in years! This is probably a big reason why people in the biz have a tendency to sleep with/date other people in the biz. There is a misconception they have sex with 100’s of different guys. There are only about 30 guys in the biz who are used regularly … of those 30 I would say only 15 are used consistently. BUT I will add a side note … if you can have sex on camera for money, your not usually the most emotionally healthy person I have ever met =-/ So I don’t advise anyone date talent … your more than likely never going to fully be comfortable with their job, they are slightly off .. and most girls who have sex for a living don’t come home and want to have MORE sex, especially when they have settled into a relationship. Just a little PSA on my part …

And that concludes this session of Miss Communication, Magic 8 Ball .. or totally Different?

So all and all he was a great guy. He kind of reminded me of a friend of mine, which was kinda weird. I definitely knew by the end of the date that it could possibly be a nice friendship. Yeah, he went straight to the friend zone. He walked me out where we waited for our cars, said good night and that was the end of the date. So, I waited for him to IM me a few days later or call while I come up with excuses to how I’m sooo busy and can’t meet up again for awhile. And do you know what?!?! It’s been a few weeks and no call, no IM, no nothing!!! You can’t not call me!!! I was gonna not call you!!! This has never happened before! I actually find it quite comical, but it does not make me want him. So hopefully thats not the tactic and he just wasn’t that into me. Cause all he did was make it easier for me. Thanks no call, jewish-buddhist. This buds for you!!!

Maintaining Work, Family, Friends, Life and ME
I pray to god I’m not the only one with this problem, but I seem to have a really hard time balancing all the things in my life. I have to work the required 8-10 hours a day, go to the gym for an hour, eat 2-3 meals, handle my personal hygiene (which when you’re a lady … takes some time, sadly my legs don’t shave themselves!), get grocery shopping and general errands done, be a good daughter, be a fun friend, be a fabulous date, at some point get a bikini wax, nails did, hair cut, feed, water and groom my dogs …. And try and get 8 hours of sleep. I wasn’t going to continue the list because well … you get the point. Notice what is missing on that list? ME TIME!!! What’s also missing is “down time”. There is a line in a dilated peoples song that goes something like “I don’t know what’s better getting laid or getting paid … I just know when I’m getting one the other’s getting away!” … and that’s pretty much how I feel about my Pie Chart of time. I can’t seem to be excelling in all areas at once. Anyone got some tips? Or maybe a time management book for me to read??? Some sort of Tony Robbins seminar that will teach me how to effectively function off of 3 hours of sleep while being hung over…yet looking amazingly refreshed?

Cougar porn has messed men up!
I am telling you the MILF/Cougar craze has messed men up. They are thinking older woman are the new Black or something.. In the last few months I have not been hit on by anyone over 24 (the oldest of them all), in fact I got hit on by two different boys UNDER 18! Are you kidding me? Don’t get me wrong … I’m NOT old .. I’m Not, I’m not, I’m NOT! But … I am older-ish … and OLD compared to these guys. What surprises me so much is when I inform them of my age (granted I can be mistaken for much younger) they don’t care at all! They actually use the line “… age isn’t anything but a number”. They try and have full blown conversations with me while the act VERY mature. Here is a quick tip boys: 1. I know your feigning maturity. 2. I can NOT relate to your problems anymore. 3. It is not OK that you are the same age or younger then my little brother! 4. I do not get the references to TV shows you watched as a kid because I was already hitting up the clubs by that point. 5. No I do not think it’s cool you have a Pool Table in your parents garage where we can go drink some Budweiser.

Captain Pants was so proud of me, Fuck I was proud of me!
Last week I went out with a bunch of girls to go dancing. When we got to the club I instantly noticed a guy because he looked like a grown up version of one of the actors in Twilight. We all know my Twilight obsession. We all also know I’m a huge pussy when it comes to boys. If I’m not interested I massively flirt and if I am … you will have NO idea, you will either think I don’t even know you exist or that I’m your friend. So I am watching this guy almost all night … thinking to myself “GOD DAMN HE IS SO HOT! There is no way I am talking to him … he would never be interested and I’m most certainly NOT that ballsy” Half way through the night I go outside to smoke a cigarette and on my way back upstairs I notice he is coming back down them. I nervously smile at him (already … HUGE step for me that I was later going to high five myself for) and he smiles back. I look behind me after walking past him and he turns back and looks at me. I smile again. I continue up the steps and get around an annoying planter and he is at the bottom of the steps staring up at me … I smile again. I get to the platform at the top of the stairs and lean against the railing and he is still standing down there looking up at me. After about 30 seconds of just eye contact … he briskly walks back up the steps to me. He walks right up to me and before he can say anything I say “I figured I should tell you my name if I am going stare at you all night”. OMG!!! I was sooooo brave! We actually hit it off. We talked the rest of the night at the club and have talked every day since. He is also NOT in the business!!! He is a medical researcher who will be starting his residency soon and plans on going into reconstructive surgery … and he didn’t have an issue with my job! For once someone didn’t ask me 900 questions about it! FTW!!! He actually only asked me 1 … what specifically I did in the biz and after I explained he said “that actually sounds pretty interesting!” Pants was having a hard time finding me because I had disappeared with Nip/Tuck and when she finally found me .. a HUGE grin spread across her face. Later when I told her the story .. she practically high fived my face she was so excited. So go me! I had balls outside of the work place .. for once… and it has paid off!

What really matters?
I can’t write too much as far as details here because it will give away who I am. I have had a sick parent for awhile. Sadly they have gotten worse and very quickly. After months of tests and trying to figure out what the hell is wrong … we may have an answer. Unfortunately it is not an answer anyone wanted. If it is the disease they think it is, My parent is in the final stages, there is no cure and it is a very horrible way to go. I am going to go visit my Parent in another week, I hope it will not be for the last time … but sadly that seems to be the case. Worst of all … I have to tell my siblings. This has really made me focus on what matters in my life. Which I do not think is a bad thing at all. Sorry to end on a sad note … on the plus side, I am still trying to be really positive! I am also thankful I get a chance to say everything I need to. I am Best Friends with my Parents so I am trying to prepare myself for this devastating blow.

Freaking adorable!
-Duh!

I’m doing well, thank you! So, I have to say that I never really know how to interpret when people give me short replies; I don’t know if you aren’t interested and are just replying because it’s appropriate, or because you’re genuinely interested in talking. So, please do let me know if you are, because you seem really nice and I’d love to get you know you more. But if not, no hard feelings, just don’t want to waste each other’s time!
-Uhhh…Ok

Hey sorry to bother you but I just had to say I think you’re so fucking sexy!
-Again, Duh! haha

You get wayyy to much attention on here. Lots of goofballs who wouldn’t have the balls to approach you in a million years in real life suddenly have the courage to hit on you online Dumasses.. clogging up the lines for the rest of us that actually make great things happen for deserving, fun women… read my profile. I’ll quiz you on it when we meet for coffee
-No duh guys have the courage to hit on pretty girls now. That’s why we are all on this whole Internet thing, but kinda funny.

Hey want to grab a drink sometime? I know that sounds pretty bold but I’m not sure how this online thing works but I do know hanging out with someone in person is the best way to get to know them. So write me back if you want to hang out sometime.
-Thank you Captain Obvious and no, but thanks! Also, this guy is a repeat offender. I have got this message from him many times and many other emails, but I have never responded. Wonder when he’ll get the hint.

Sorry for the brief profile, but I wasn’t planning on being on the site long. Anyway, here’s a little more about me…
-And you won’t be on it for much longer if you don’t take the time to fill it out. I took the time! And time is money for me. Note to you: I do NOT write back to those who were obviously too lazy to fill out their profile.

How are you? I winked at you on another site and never got a response, so I should probably take the hint… I noticed you looked at my profile on here, though, so I figured why not send you a message. Anyway, I hope all is well and I wish you the best of luck. I’d love to hear from you…
-You got it! Thank you Captain Obvious.

i dont have very much luck on this thing…im not sure why….maybe its just the bad pictures…anyway…so im not really expecting anything back from you…but i thought i would tell you that i think you are gorgeous…and if you ever want to get together for coffee or drinks or anything with a sweet smart honest hard working guy who knows how a lady is supposed to be treated then let me know
-Wow! You really talked yourself up didn’t you. Hope you didn’t go and cut your wrists after that email attempt.

How have you been? We chatted a few times on here and AIM a while back, you probably don’t remember. It seems like you keep your IM off nowadays. Anyway I thought we could chat again, send me a message if you get a chance.
-FYI: You are the reason I keep my IM off

Diamonds on the Inside
When you have everything,
You have everything to lose.
She made herself
A bed of nails
And shes plannin’ on puttin’ it to use.
Make sure the fortune, that you seek
Is the fortune you need
So tell me why,the first to ask,is the last to give,everytime
What you say and do not mean
Follow too close behind

Alone
This empty room it fills my mind
Freedom it leaves me confined
Today and tomorrow have become,
Become one
Every single thing has become none
Human nature is a beast
What I’ve done the most to show I have the least

Another Lonely Day
I can resist anything but the temptation from you.
But I’d rather walk alone than chase you around.
I’d rather fall myself than let you drag me on down.
Yesterday seems like a life ago,
’cause the one I love today, I hardly know,
You I held so close in my heart, Oh dear,
Grow further from me with every fallen tear.

Ashes
Love has no direction
cause love has no aim
love can leave you
as fast as she came
Meeting is such sweet sorrow
cause someday we may have to part
hush don’t you make a sound
you’re gonna let me down
Good things come
to those who wait
but good things are gone
from those who are late
All that I am
is all I can give
but with or without you
my life I must live

Fight Outta You
I would rather take a punch than not give you a shot
I’d rather find out who you are than who you’re not
Should have known better than to mistake business for love
Should have known better than to mistake a fist for a glove
The lies you live become you, the love you lose it numbs you, don’t let them take the fight
outta you
There’s always someone younger, someone with more hunger, don’t let them take the fight outta
you

Having Wings
Life is a blurry-eyed, heavy-hearted whirlwind of a storm
Some things just hurt too much to cry
Memories are like shadows the light won’t make disappear
I still see you smiling with your eyes
For all these things, true happiness is having wings

Please Bleed
Make me feel like a beggar
Make me feel like a thief
Make me feel like a battle, that cannot end in peace
Make me feel like running, as if I’ve lost my nerve
Make me feel like crying, tears I don’t deserve
Please bleed
So I know that you are real
So I know that you can feel
The damage that you’ve done
Who have I become
To myself I am numb
Is this really living sometimes it’s hard to tell
Or is this a kind of gentler hell
Turn out the lights
And let me stare into your soul
I was born and bled for you to hold
Never said thank you
Never said please
Never gave reason to believe
So as it stands
I remain on my knees
Good lovers make great enemies

Please Me Like You Want To
Don’t do me any favors
matter of fact why don’t you
do yourself a few
your presence ain’t nobody’s blessing
I’ve got plenty of other things
I could do
and now it’s plain for me to see
you’re with somebody
that you don’t want to be
so won’t you
please please me like you want to
not like you have to
or won’t you just go on and leave me
leaving me is the least that you could do
believe me there is a difference
when you mean it
and when you pretend
or was I just your habit
cause I know a habit
is a hard thing to break

Widow of a Living Man
Mama why does he treat me so cold
why do I feel so old
how long has he treated me unkind
or have I always been so blind
I’m the widow of a living man
Why can’t the times stay the same
now I am begging him to change
what about all the plans we made
now I am so afraid
I’m the widow of a living man

With My Own Two Hands
I can change the world
With my own two hands
Make a better place
With my own two hands
Make a kinder place
With my own two hands
I can make peace on earth
With my own two hands
And I can clean up the earth
with my own two hands
And I can reach out to you
with my own two hands
I’m gonna make it a brighter place
(with my own)
I’m gonna make it a safer place
(with my own)
I’m gonna help the human race
(with my own)
(with my own two hands)
Now I can hold you
With my own two hands
And I can comfort you
With my own two hands
But you got to use
Use your own two hands

Question:
Why do ex’s not understand the meaning of being an ex? So, what’s up with ex’s coming back into our lives. I have heard it lately from so many people. What is going on here. Is there some weird alliance of the universe that we are unaware of that magically puts our numbers back in their phone, our face in their dreams and our myspace/facebook page up on their computer screen. I know that back in the day people use to break up and that was that. Now a days a break up, as in “I hate you and never want to see you again” apparently means call me in a month. I’ll be over it by then. Then we can go through this merry-go-round emotional fuck up game that we like to put ourselves through so much all over again! Yay!! Give me a freaking break! WTF! An ex is an ex for a reason. I too tend to forget this, but the reason we felt the need to leave or get this person out of our life….and here is the big newsflash, are you ready?….it’s still there!

Lesson:
Yellow is sooo not the new pink. Sorry people. Pink is here to stay. EVERYTHING comes in pink now. LOVE IT!!! That more of a lesson for tose of you that didn’t know. I have known all along. Nothing new here, haha.

Question:
How accturate is He’s Just Not That Into You? Well, I can tell you one thing. This line from the movie has never rang more truth for me until today!

I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting.

I chatted with a guy I met on a dating site. We emailed through the service for a while. Then he told me to add him on facebook or myspace (I have both!). So, to play it safe I just added him on one. Then he accepted and he IMed me from that and then my AOL IM started blinking and he was writting me on that. Man, I started to get confused. After our IM, we talked about hooking up for a drink. So, when I’m available what am I suppose to do??? Do I write him from the dating site? The myspace/facebook page? Or wait for him to be on IM??? I’m so lost already!

Lesson:
12:15am is the start of “Desperation Hour”!!!! Ever get to a bar around 11:00pm or so and within the next hour and half you are crawling out of your own skin to get out (that is unless you were drunk when you arrived, then you are welcoming desperation hour). As I get older I have paid more attention to the communication going on around me at bars. This is easier to do now that I tend to be a bit more sober and am not looking around for my victim of the night. I have definitely noticed that around 12:15am all the ugly men of the bar have all their liquid courage together and are doing their best to sit with the best looking group of girl there. Now if you happen to be my group of girls, you are far too nice to tell the guy to take a hike, so we get stuck and the cute guys just walk on by because you seem to be busy/already taken. WTF! Thanks, not so hot guy. This buds for you. haha.

Question:
Where has the blackberry been all my life? I am a new proud mother of a crackberry. One of the greatest inventions ever! I can’t explain why I love it so much, but I just do. You have to have one to understand. It’s just……so dan convenient!!! It works great, it doesn’t drop calls every two minutes like the iphone(sorry iphone lovers) and the guy selling it to me was cute! haha. Oh yeah. I know what you are thinking and the answer is yes. We flirted and he gave me his card, haha.

Lesson:
You find and or keep your TRUE friends in your middle to later 20′s. I have witnessed and experienced friends in and out of my life and others, for some time now. I have come to the conclusion that some of your best and yet roughest times in life happen in your 20′s. Though I’m not any further than that, so I could be wrong. But this is what I see now. I think that when you are going through everything or even feeling on top of the world you have many people you think of as “friends”. Hey, your 20′s are a very social time, haha. But, if you have ever known what it is to fall flat on your face, look for those who made sure to throw pillows in the way cause god forbid you break your nose. I am happy to say I have found these friends and am so fortunate to have them (they should know who they are). Thank you to those that have been friends through out my life and thank god for you, to the ones that have been sisters. A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

1. I once traded in my hybrid car for another hybrid car because I didn’t want to be bothered with getting my oil changed and a cracked side mirror fixed – In a strange act of homeless person craziness … a homeless man got really mad at the side mirror on my old car and hit it with an umbrella .. ala Britney. About a month later I realized I needed an oil change. About 2 months after that I realized I hadn’t fixed my mirror or changed my oil, so I drove to the dealership and traded in my car for a new one. It only had around 20k miles on it. You see I LIKE to consider myself an environmentalist with my fancy little hybrid, recycling center and green products. I can’t think of something more wasteful and un-environmental then trading in a car because your too lazy to get a freaking oil change! I try and rationalize it to myself by saying that I really traded it in because the new model had the ipod jack and a reverse camera .. but that’s a lie.

2. I try to be super healthy and eat all organic veggies, but I still smoke cigarettes- I am the girl who is dropping her whole pay check at Whole Paycheck (What I call Whole Foods) and Follow Your heart. I use Alba products for my hair and Origins Organics for my face … But I smoke like a chimney! I actually want to quit and have had the prescription for the stop smoking pills staring at me from my bathroom counter for the last 6 months, but I fear the weight gain. They average person who quits smoking gains 20 pounds and I’ve seen it happen to friends and family. Basically I’m saying my vanity outweighs my health … :::sigh::: But I truly think this is the year I will actually try and quit.

3. (OK Pants is making me write this one …) I am a very strong and opinionated business woman, but if I like a guy … suddenly my mouth doesn’t work and I revert to grade school - Ask me anything and I will give you a long winded opinion and all my thoughts on the topic. Put me in a meeting and everyone will have walked out having heard me and being very clear on my thoughts on the topic. Put me in a room with a boy I like and I clam up, most guys never even know I was interested. I have an amazing ability of pushing people in any other direction .. that isn’t me. It makes Pants laugh.

4. I use the word Whore about 30 times a day but if I ever heard someone actually in a serious manner call a woman a whore or the C word they would get an ear full from me! – I seriously use the word whore like it’s been recalled and I need to get rid of all the overstock. But I am very touchy about people speaking down to women. In fact this contradiction runs so deep that at home I will bitch and complain and use all kinds of colorful language for a lot of the woman I encounter in my profession but if anyone ever said something to me about them … I would back them till the cows come home. Not just because without them I wouldn’t have a job, but because I am very protective of peoples rights to do whatever they want to .. right, wrong, mistake, best choice ever … etc.

I am sure I have a million more of these … but it’s Wine/Jacuzzi time!!

What is your biggest contradiction?

“hi the only reason i am hitting on you is your innocent bright shinning face you know if you leave out the h it is a sinning face which is really what i want.”

-Thank you Mr.horny and doesn’t believe in periods (the punctuality, not the once a month girly thing).

“Hey sorry to bother you but I just had to say I think you’re so fucking sexy!”
-OOOOK. Thanks for the update. And no I will not sleep with you.

“hey do you have plans tonight?”
-Ah…. Yeah. I have to wash my hair.

“looking for cute tall boytoys? lol;)”
-Nope. I have plenty. Thank you. Actually they range in all shape and sizes, haha.

“you know what? I couldn’t be better. I just closed a quarter million dollar investment in my company.”
-Suuuuure you did. Good luck with that!

“you same like you now how to have fun . and a nice girl
so if you what lets chat some time . let me now”
- Uhhh. I’m sorry. What???

“lets talk for bit sweetie “
-Is that how you go about everything? Let’s talk for a bit. Let’s take our clothes off a bit. Let’s play just the tip. I know how that game works out. No thank you!

“did you know that on the side where they have thumbnails of everyone, underneath yours it says “hornier” haha…
…so of course I HAD to click it ; ) “
-Uhhhh. Ok. Really?! That’s your pick up line for me?!! You definitely didn’t read my profile did you? Can you read? Probably not, since all your blood seems to be rushed to another part of your body. Good luck with that.

“So how many helping hands have you gotten on this site, if you don’t mind me asking?”
-I’m not actually sure what he means by that ::insert look of confusion::

Ok you got to call me! Up for a date? Only one way to find out if I’m fun or not? email or call (***) **-****.
- I have to call YOU?! No, hi. No, how are you. No, let’s get to know each other? Don’t believe in playing with your prey before you pounce? Wow. I can see how foreplay is gonna go with you. And with that one message, you are out!

“you american birds have nice teeth.
I love you. Does that mean we have to have kids and stuff?
I don’t mind, but I just want a warning.
big xx’s”
(sorry for being crude, I’m anglo-saxon)
- Uhhhh. No??! Wait. What?

I decided I would just paste today’s conversation to give the world some insight into our strange lives. This has not been changed at all. I only starred out names to protect the not so innocent. Enjoy!

Captain Pants(12:50:43 PM): yum…thanks for my cottage cheese
Miss Communication (12:51:12 PM): No worries
Miss Communication (12:56:05 PM): I’m meeting **** for lunch right now
Captain Pants(12:56:48 PM): nice!
Captain Pants(12:57:01 PM): tell him i said hi…and thats not me peeing on you..
Miss Communication (12:57:34 PM): I will for sure
Captain Pants(2:31:40 PM): :::INSERT LINK TO PORN SITE::: there now you can tell **** that that idea has already been done…LOL
Miss Communication (2:34:41 PM): omg .. wonder if thats real
Miss Communication (2:34:47 PM): or male talent just sitting in a wheel chair
Captain Pants(2:36:27 PM): and yeah that male talent in the wheelchair is pretty hot too…
Captain Pants(2:42:02 PM): but next time your boss brings up the whole thing you can tell him it’s been done…lol
Miss Communication (3:26:42 PM): :::Insert link to shemale talent here:::
Miss Communication (3:26:51 PM): totally couldn’t have guessed that was a dude!!!
Captain Pants (3:30:25 PM): its a dude!!!!!
Miss Communication (3:30:32 PM): yes
Captain Pants (3:30:42 PM): where does it say that?!!!
Miss Communication (3:31:09 PM): ::: Insert same link again .. but with bigger full body shot:::
Captain Pants (3:31:32 PM): whoa
Miss Communication (3:31:46 PM): lmao …i know my thoughts exactly
Captain Pants (3:31:53 PM): 1. what is up with her nails
Captain Pants (3:32:01 PM): 2. why are you looking at shemales????
Miss Communication (3:32:43 PM): i was looking for older people for dialog parts .. so i just clicked the “all” button under gender on NAME OF AGENCY … hence the tranny coming up .. i didnt even know NAME OF AGENCY had trannys
Miss Communication (3:34:14 PM): PS that dudes name is ****
Miss Communication (3:34:26 PM): ::insert link to ****’s picture here::
Captain Pants (3:34:59 PM): haha…when they are completely shaved like that and erect…it looks like the put their penis on with putty
Captain Pants (3:35:07 PM): like what doesn’t belong
Captain Pants (3:35:12 PM): it just looks weird
Captain Pants (3:35:13 PM): haha
Captain Pants (3:35:20 PM): makes me giggle everytime
Miss Communication (3:35:25 PM): i agree … it’s like it’s detached
Captain Pants (3:35:33 PM): like a mr. potatohead
Captain Pants (3:35:41 PM): and thats just one of his mustaches
Miss Communication (3:36:13 PM): ohhh for the love of god **** is back .. he is strangely nice and scary all at the same time
Miss Communication (3:37:04 PM): btw the new 18yo who looks 12 is now doing anal
Miss Communication (3:37:06 PM): :::Link to 18 yo models page:::
Captain Pants (3:37:24 PM): that means nothing to me
Miss Communication (3:37:51 PM): she is still new
Captain Pants (3:37:53 PM): looks like we may have not shot her though
Miss Communication (3:37:57 PM): they probably haven’t shot her
Captain Pants (3:38:06 PM): I have seen her before
Miss Communication (3:38:08 PM): ohhh i lie then and serve no purpose …
Captain Pants (3:38:30 PM): lol…you serve lots of purpose
Captain Pants (3:38:44 PM): but im sure **** will say we have shot her..I feel like we have shot her
Captain Pants (3:38:47 PM): forget her
Miss Communication (3:38:59 PM): BTW … have you noticed that every single email from LARGE AGENCY is a blonde girl with an awful set of bolt ons
Captain Pants (3:39:01 PM): ALWAYS
Captain Pants (3:39:13 PM): but i do need asains…and not porno looking asians…lol
Miss Communication (3:39:43 PM): i almost replied today with .. really?? do you have to get all of them a bad boob job before i even get a chance to shoot them?
Captain Pants (3:40:00 PM): yes…he must
Miss Communication (3:40:11 PM): i think he has a plastic fetish
Captain Pants (3:40:33 PM): ps…i really dont want to work today..lol
Miss Communication (3:40:34 PM): or shiny taunt skin fetish .. kinda like his head
Miss Communication (3:43:54 PM): :::LINK TO NEW MODELS PAGE:::
Miss Communication (3:43:56 PM): she’s new
Miss Communication (3:43:59 PM): and pretty
Miss Communication (3:44:13 PM): nice boobs
Captain Pants (3:44:14 PM): she is
Miss Communication (3:44:23 PM): but i feel as if you have shot her
Miss Communication (3:44:53 PM): yep you have
Miss Communication (3:44:56 PM): i goggled her
Captain Pants (3:45:18 PM): really?
Miss Communication (3:45:21 PM): :::LINK PROVING PANTS COMPANY HAS SHOT HER:::
Captain Pants (3:46:02 PM): lol
Miss Communication (3:46:06 PM): does it matter that she looks better now??
Miss Communication (3:54:04 PM): :::LINK TO A GIRL THAT HATES MISS COMMUNICATION:::
Miss Communication (3:54:11 PM): she hates me … lol
Miss Communication (4:00:24 PM): :::LINK TO PHOTO GALLERY OF GIRL WITH REALLY BAD LIP INJECTIONS::: thats blow up lips name ..
Miss Communication (4:00:28 PM): i didnt even know her name
Captain Pants (4:14:00 PM): yeah I thought i told you ******* name..lol
Captain Pants (4:14:06 PM): blow up lips…lol
Captain Pants (4:15:10 PM): ps on that join site..pretty sure thats johnny **** penis…lol
Captain Pants (4:15:26 PM): or maybe Jordan ****
Captain Pants (4:15:35 PM): they both have that veiny thing going
Miss Communication (4:15:40 PM): thats sad that we can do that … i wish they had some type of porn Jeopardy for that .. we would be rich!
Captain Pants (4:16:28 PM): yeah we would
Miss Communication (4:17:31 PM): maybe we pitch that idea to a tv exec .. then go on .. win the money and move to paris
Captain Pants (4:17:42 PM): NICE!!
Captain Pants (4:17:50 PM): i like your thinking
Captain Pants (4:18:16 PM): hey…how did you win all your money…well you see we won the name that dirty dick game show!!!!
Miss Communication (4:18:27 PM): why do i think that if brazzers or Reality Kings saw this im convo right now .. they would make some sort of gonzo site based on the idea
Captain Pants (4:18:39 PM): hahahaha im sure!
Miss Communication (4:19:07 PM): imagine if they had a name that dirty vagina game show!! eww .. this convo just got gross
Captain Pants (4:19:16 PM): ewwww time out
Miss Communication (4:19:24 PM): oddly i deem it only got gross after the idea of dirty vagina
Captain Pants (4:19:36 PM): haha
Miss Communication (4:19:52 PM): btw .. facebook is boring today
Miss Communication (4:20:04 PM): but .. fmylife.com .. always entertaining
Captain Pants (4:20:17 PM): haha…you should put stuff on there
Miss Communication (4:20:36 PM): are you saying my life sucks?
Captain Pants (4:20:49 PM): noooo…lol
Miss Communication (4:20:52 PM): liar
Captain Pants (4:21:06 PM): haha..you just have some fml moments
Miss Communication (4:21:37 PM): i guess .. i should post there
Miss Communication (4:21:57 PM): did i tell you ******* called me today … he is the hardest person to get off the phone with
Miss Communication (4:22:09 PM): i saved you .. i told him email worked better for you
Miss Communication (4:22:24 PM): and for me too .. but the ME thing went over his head
Captain Pants (4:23:09 PM): haha..I ignored his call yesterday..
Miss Communication (4:26:03 PM): i ignore them almost every 2 days .. he told me i was hard to get a hold of .. i again explained i answered emails with the quickness
Miss Communication (4:26:13 PM): wanna know what sucks about working with all older people?
Miss Communication (4:26:35 PM): outside of them not getting my jokes … which has affected my humor confidence level
Captain Pants (4:26:36 PM): what/ nap time?
Captain Pants (4:26:53 PM): handicap accessible bathrooms
Miss Communication (4:26:53 PM): i wish … no one does the 3pm-ish red bull/candy run
Captain Pants (4:27:04 PM): hand rails
Captain Pants (4:27:10 PM): herbal tea
Captain Pants (4:27:19 PM): depends rather than tampons in the bathroom
Miss Communication (4:27:28 PM): we don’t have handicap stuff .. they just want to make handicap porn .. get it right
Miss Communication (4:27:58 PM): but seriously .. i don’t have anyone that well eventually break down and go get me stuff from the liquor store
Miss Communication (4:28:09 PM): i need a red bull
Miss Communication (4:28:16 PM): i dont want to go get it myself
Miss Communication (4:28:24 PM): that requires effort …
Captain Pants (4:28:30 PM): no **** there for you
Captain Pants (4:28:32 PM): or me
Miss Communication (4:29:09 PM): lol no **** .. and you stopped that awhile ago .. unless you were dead ass tired before 3 .. we had others to do that
Miss Communication (4:29:30 PM): ohhhh wanna hear something funny .. so ***** is having a hard time naming his baby
Miss Communication (4:29:38 PM): all names remind him of porn stars
Miss Communication (4:29:44 PM): i know that will happen to me
Captain Pants (4:29:59 PM): hahha
Captain Pants (4:30:03 PM): that sucks!!
Miss Communication (4:30:20 PM): it happened to me when I was naming MY DOGS NAME HERE … not that i think naming a baby and a dog are similar
Miss Communication (4:30:29 PM): but my dog is the equivalent of my baby
Captain Pants (4:31:01 PM): hahaha
Miss Communication (4:31:38 PM): i still have no idea what im cooking for set tomorrow
Miss Communication (4:31:50 PM): there is no fridge or microwave there
Miss Communication (4:32:13 PM): ohhh and im carpolling with ****
Miss Communication (4:32:31 PM): which should be awesome …. i love talking about his girlfriend lol
Captain Pants (4:32:51 PM): hahaha
Miss Communication (4:35:54 PM): i wish i was at home right now
Miss Communication (4:36:36 PM): am i bad employee if i come in at 10am .. take an hour and a half lunch and leave now?
Captain Pants (4:39:24 PM): nooooooo
Miss Communication (4:40:05 PM): are you lying again
Miss Communication (4:40:17 PM): we have to do something about your compulsive need to lie
Captain Pants (4:45:37 PM): i just say what people like to hear