I officially would like to have the term “hanging out” removed permanently from the mouths of anything with a penis. I know Pants would help me vote that shit into the amendment! Like really…this needs to be brought to the attention of the US government so women never ever have to hear that cop out BS term again. Is there anyone out there who can precisely define this term for me? If you can, I challenge you to a jeapordy dual.
This is how I see it, there are only 4 stages of “hanging out” you can be doing with someone. The reason everyone needs to know what fucking stage they are in is so they know the rules …not so we have a label! FYI, for the guys out there … we women don’t necessarily want a label anymore them you do. But we do need to know what stage of “hanging out” we are in … so we can conduct ourselves accordingly.
These stages are obviously based on the fact you know someone and are attracted to them. Hence why there is no “getting to know you, getting to know everything about you” stage.
The Fuck Buddy aka “Pull my hair harder!” Stage –
This is when two people happen to be friends and happen to fuck. Which is totally cool as long as both parties are clear, that’s exactly what it is. This can be a really fun and amazing “relationship” to have with someone. Expectations can ruin this, thus why both parties have to have previously stated consensual agreement to this deal… or at least made it clear after a night of drunken, hair pulling dirty sex.
The Dating AKA Honeymoon Stage-
This is when two people have decided to spend certain amounts of time together, enjoy each other’s company, get drinks, occasionally consume food together. Hopefully you’re actually using the phone and not just texting. At this stage one or both parties are probably seeing other people, have a few “break in case of emergency” genitals on the side that require occasional attention in case you get so hard up you need to break said glass or may have a few other prospects. This should be talked about if you are sleeping with each other so both parties know exactly how many people they are currently sleeping with.
Seeing Someone/Exclusive Dating aka How do you want your Coffee? Stage-
See above … then add exclusively and get rid of the other parties in the “relationship”. The reason this stage is important is because it lets both parties know it is no longer OK to prospect for new genitalia, accept dates, talk inappropriately/send dirty picture messages to other people and mostly sleep with other people. At this point, it would hurt some ones whoremotions. It means both parties are actually thinking there is the possibility they could work out a real relationship (notice the lack of quotes on that bad boy!) based on continuing of hanging out. Most of each parties friends know your dating, there is PDA involved and occasionally the “68 .. and I owe you one” nights.
Together aka “Maybe after this we can get an apartment” Stage –
Add all stages together and then add the Boyfriend/Girlfriend label. This is when both parties are sure they want to be only with each other and are no longer “trying it on for size”. This also usually involves holidays, gifts, and a certain amount of obligations that include crap like helping someone move, fixing something and taking care of the sick. But all of those things totally earn you oral sex credits…which can be redeemed at anytime.
Why have I blogged about these stages? Why do I have to be all whoremotional and try and lock someone into a glass box of emotions? Why do I want to label men like all the labels of my shoes? Why can’t I just be happy that I am getting some on the regular?Shut up reader with a penis ..that’s not what I am trying to do! You see I am actually not someone who likes to move fast in a relationship .. I know, shocking after you read this. But what I DON’T like is wondering how to act in front of people, am I sleeping with 1 person or 100, or if I am about to invest my precious whoremotions into someone and they are stuck in fuck buddy stage. I don’t want to fuck with other girls minds either…if I am 1 of 100 and I walk into somewhere and kiss the person I am “hanging out with” because I didn’t know the rules and a whore bitchslaps me… I will have no idea why she slapped me as i beat her with my high heel. It is also my decision to decide if I want to be a one and only…or if I am cool being 1 of 100. It also lets me know how close to me I want to let that person get at said time frame.
What happens when the rules aren’t clear? It makes me assume…which only makes an ASS out of U and ME (Clever isn’t that!!) Women can handle just about anything! For god’s sake we push eight pound babies out of our vaginas. But we do so after spending 9 months “expecting” to have our body split in half. I can handle anything a guy can throw at me..as long as he has made the expectations clear and I get the choice of choosing to deal with it or not. If I really dig the unclear mother fucker …I’ll hang around.