Being venerable sucks. Getting your heart broken sucks even more. I should know, I like most people have had mine broken and sometimes even stomped on a few times. They (which I still have no idea who they is ..) say that you will never forget your first love. I agree with this mostly for the reason your first love is the deepest cut you feel. Someone should be cuing Sheryl Crow’s OH! so whoremotional hit “The first cut is the deepest” right about now.
The first time you fall in love your not ”smart” enough to protect yourself. You go balls to the wall! When that doesn’t work out it feels like your heart has been shattered into a million little pieces and can never be rebuilt because there is just not that much crazy glue. Of course we all go on to learn that isn’t true …the heart mends but the mind doesn’t forget. After each heartbreak we usually try and protect ourselves a little more each time. As we get older the heart breaks get more painful and messy because they have grown up stuff attached to them like furniture, pets, CD’s and common friends. By the time your nearing your 30’s …that heart of yours is wrapped up behind heat seeking lasers, 72 padlocks, chained to a wall inside a vault that even the Oceans 11 crew with their good looks couldn’t get into. Maybe that’s just me.
But what does this Fort Knox style protection of your heart do for you? In my case, makes me an fuckin idiot. You see tonight I experienced my first fully aware moment of Heartbreak Fight or Flight. Fight or Flight is when an animal’s central nervous system reacts to threats by preparing it to fight or flee. Don’t get me wrong…I have experienced Heartbreak Fight or Flight before, I just wasn’t aware of it at the moment. Mostly because hindsight is 20/20.
You see I have been “hanging out” with someone for awhile. Someone I actually really like. A few weeks ago my like for this person got really strong. Which had kinda caught me off guard. I usually am a slow “feeler” but because this person was my friend first it seemed to have put the whole process in the microwave on high. Ding, I’m done! Being that I am usually a composed, slow feeling, control freak …I lost my mind for about a week. Well mostly I got whoremotional, scared and my brain fell out the side of my head. I kept feeling like I was about to go head over heels for this guy only to discover he did not feel the same. Instead of putting my big girl panties on and just asking where I stood …I was juvenile and didn’t ask incase he wasn’t going to give me the answer i wanted to hear. Add several other variables to this and the alarms went off, system overload … my self defense mechanism kicked into full tactical alert. This is not a drill … red alert people! I did everything I could to stop my feelings. Which of course didn’t work at all! It actually only made me fully aware of exactly how much I did feel. But I did managed to hurt him and loose his trust in the middle of my craziness. Oddly the one person I didn’t want to hurt or have hurt me …I managed to accomplish that for the both of us! I’m like the world’s best multi-tasker but totally different.
He told me the other day he can now feel himself pulling away from me. Hearing that was like a stab to the chest. i am pretty sure i actually said Ouch! Today was one of the first days i could really feel him doing just that. I have a feeling he has his own Fort Knox security system as well and i just did a crash landing onto the trip wire that turns his system on. My mind has gone into Fight or Flight overload. You see my natural reaction to this type of situation is flee. It’s kinda my MO. If the going gets tough and I feel vulnerable…I bone out. Shitty I know, but at least I am now old enough to recognize it. My chest has gotten all heavy, tears have welled in my eyes and my heart rate had picked up. I felt myself ready to flee. But for the first time something in my head said No! wrong button … take the red pill … you can do it…choose the road less traveled … and every other vomit inducing quote from those Science Fiction movies. Funny thing happened to me …I calmed down. Instead of rationalizing the 500 reasons of why I should bail now and protect my fragile ego, I rationalized why I should suck it up.
I am choosing fight. I am putting on my big girl panties. Even if I get my heart broken.
I told the guy we will now name “The Non” way before there was anything romantic between us and we were just friends that “No good girl will take you seriously”. He argued with me and told me i was wrong. I was rationalizing his past behaviors for absolutely no reason outside of a subconscious need to try and talk myself into not starting to like him. I had no idea at the time I was foreshadowing myself. Turns out we were both right. I didn’t take him seriously when I should have. Now that I am, I can only hope it’s not too late.