I am not sure when my life changed so much I started getting some of my best advice from pornstars, but I guess it has. I had the nicest, womanizing, hustling pornstar ever give me the best piece of advice that I would like to share with the world. “No one can treat you any way you don’t let them.” That has never resonated more true for me then this point in my life.
Maybe I am going through a mid-life crisis…or just cleaning out the closet per se. But I quit my job of almost 5 years because the new management is one of the slimiest people I have ever encountered. So I am jobless, but blessed to have lots of offers. I turn 30 tomorrow, which has its own set of psychological yuck being a woman in a youth & beauty driven industry and society. I am also reevaluating all the relationships in my life. That oddly seems to be the one I am having the most problems with, you would think unemployment would be the hardest.
Sometimes you have to take a step back to see the full picture. I have done it with a lot of my friendships lately. I am cutting out people who just want something from me and those who only distract from my life, not add to it. I guess with age, you get selfish. A few weeks ago I wanted to hang out with a friend who wouldn’t have a angle for giving me some much needed advice, that was way harder of a task then it should have been. I am lucky I can say I do have a few. In that process I realized how many do have angles. It made me very sad to think like that. Realizing people you care about may have alternative motives is much like being electrocuted, it shocks you.
One of these situations is extra difficult. It’s the Boy in my Because it’s cheaper then therapy post. (Note to Boy: I know you occasionally read this so I was going to filter myself, but I decided against it. I started this to record my true thoughts, not what I should be saying. I suggest from this point forward, you do not read the blog unless you’re prepared for my thoughts unfiltered, irrational & not cleaned up to protect feelings.) As stated in a previous post the Boy was one of my best friends. We tried the hanging out thing, due to both of our vast amount of issues & communication skills it didn’t work out. People have an excuse for everything including myself, but in the end they do what they were going to do anyway. If someone wants to be with you, they will be. Period. He didn’t want to be with me … enough. Which I get and respect, sometimes the internal battle is too hard to fight. But what gets under my skin is he acts like he did do everything perfectly and claims he treated me better then “the rest”. What he never sees, is this is a half truth he is telling himself, but a half truth i truly think he believes. He had one foot in the pool, testing the water and expected me to act like he had dived in. He has trust issues (don’t we all, I was certainly the last to know when my ex-husband cheated on me), yet only gave me half reasons to trust him. He says I cheated on him but what he was doing was work. He says he stopped talking to other girls, unless it was him being able to get work related stuff from them. That’s still talking to other people. When we went to business related events he was never affectionate, never even held my hand. That made me think he probably didn’t want girls in the biz to think he was with someone or worse yet, ashamed of me. So I tried the whole prove myself for awhile, but then I acted accordingly. Which makes me also 120% at blame.I actually am probably way more at fault then he is. I acted out because I was mad, actually I was pissed … because it told me everything I needed to know and didn’t want to believe. Like the name of that book, he’s just not that into you. Don’t get me wrong, Boy cared about me a lot, probably more than most people in his life. I am actually sure he still does too. He did do a lot of really great stuff. I don’t want anyone to think the guy is an asshole or anything like that. He is actually a great guy ..i don’t hang out with losers.
The whole reason I just went into detail about that is that it pertains to my closet cleaning. We have been doing the trying to be friends again thing, which to me is about as fucking fun as stabbing myself repeatedly in the eye with a fork, then hammering in said fork by pounding my head against a cement wall. I actually think we are making each other miserable. Not all the time or anything like that, but we have at least one stupid thing a week. Going back to being friends is really hard. I did it with my last two Ex’s but for some reason this one is harsh. I am sure it’s because I still care so much about him. Since I am human, I am still mad…better wordwould be hurt. Talking to him now brings many questions up for me. Part of me thinks he is still trying to maintain the friendship because he doesn’t want it to effect him business wise, did he use me to helphim with things, with the stuff that’s coming out of the woodwork now… what don’t I know about? I actually hate 90% of the BS I hear because it makes me question my judge of character. I think half of it is his representative, but I’m just not sure which half of him is the representative. Our faking a totally normal friendship right now keeps me all tied up in those feelings. It also doesn’t let me move forward. I feel bad for the guys I am getting to know now, they are maybe getting 25% of my attention. Plus my thoughts of him have actually fucked me up in my head so much I wasn’t able to do the deed with a super sweet hot guy. Who wants to feel that way? Or make someone who is into you feel that way, because i suck at hiding my emotions? That’s just dumb! How much of this is actually him and how much of it is my vast amount of trust issues? Because thats a very valid thought too. A lot of these thoughts could be the fact i feel insecure with him now. When I think these things I can hear his voice in my head saying “why do you always think the worst of me?” which brings into question …do I keep putting myself through this since I am trying to narrow down my friendships to things that only bring quality to my life? Because right now, he isn’t my friend …he is the Boy that broke my heart that used to be one of my best friends.
This reevaluating your life stuff sucks big hairy balls! But I heard something recently that I keep trying to focus on, “Will you look back 6 months from now and think of this decision with sadness or will you think it was the one that lead to the first step in your current path of happiness.” Guess I am still wrestling with that with many things in my life.
Now for your viewing pleasure. A close friend of mine sent this to me. I think it’s brilliant and strangely accurate: