I have decided my Ipod is quietly judging me …well, not quietly. That bitch is actually loudly judging me. Let me explain why I think that sneaky Ipod is conspiring against me. Maybe there are others who are unaware their ipod is trying to ruin their life and if my story can save just one person … I have done my job. I have a sleek and shiny Ipod touch. I bought her myself so I could watch videos of Brittney Spears flat stomach dancing while on the treadmill, it makes me run faster and longer. I figured my Ipod would get cold and wanted to take good care of her so I got her a super spiffy Paul Frank cover that has skulls and cross bones in fab colors. I just knew she would love it!
You know how that bitch repays me for my kindness and generosity? She likes to mess with my emotions by playing certain songs. Not just like one song here and there .. but her own block party of songs to intentionally emotionally cut me. You may be wondering why i have jumped to the conclusion of conspiracy versus coincidence. The Facts: I have GIGS of songs. Covering all kinds of genres. I often just hit shuffle on my all songs playlist right when I get in the car. Shuffle means shuffle the songs much like a deck of cards! But nooooooooooooooooo! Let’s say I have jumped in the car to head to a fun lunch and for some reason I am feeling a certain whoremotion about any one of the people in my life …my bitch of an ipod will put on a 37 block of songs that make me feel worse! No matter how many times I hit skip, whoremotional track after whoremotional track plays. I know there is lots of 50 cent, Dr. Dre and Britney Spears in there …but magically they are nowhere to be found in the shuffle. And not just any whoremotional song, songs I listened to with said person, their favorite songs, songs that bring up exact emotions I am feeling for them and make me want to slit my wrists. It’s not just on the “annoying people with penises” front either. Say I am having a “I feel like a fat cow” day, suddenly that bitch is cranking out Don’t you wish your Girlfriend was hot like Me and every other song on the planet talking about how hot music video ho’s and supermodels are. Sometimes she even throws the videos on! You can see my problem now I am sure.
My Ipod is much like my navigation system. My Nav has been renamed from Magellon to Dirty Pirate Hooker (she actually has a name badge that says this). My navigation is constantly getting me lost and dropping me off in the middle of the ghetto at odd hours of the night to try and have me raped and killed. She even does it in other states. She has taken me to Compton in the middle of the night instead of the hot club I was suppose to be arriving to. Maybe my Ipod and Navigation are working together to take me out. Them and their little electronically evil minds! What the hell did I ever do to them? Oh My god .. it just occurred to me, the Ipod and Navigation aren’t smart enough to take me out on their own, I am sure my Prius has to be the mastermind. Fuck why are they making hybrids so damn smart …they are going to kill us all.
But seriouslly … my Ipod is judging me and its pissing me off.