Somehow I ended up in love with a 17 year old Vampire (well he is technically a 108 years old, so he is very mature for his age and that removes the whole “illegal” thing). Yes, I am one of those people who is very into the Twilight book series. It is pure and utter science fiction, aside from the obvious vampire thing. The book is about possibly the most perfect man on the planet and his unwavering love for a clumsy “plain jane” type of girl. I managed to get Captain Pants totally hooked on it too. I think my strange vampire fetish is starting to rub off on her. I have always had a thing for vampires … or maybe it’s just the uber-hot actors that play them. I mean seriously Brad Pitt, Stuart Townsend, Robert Pattinson, Stephan Dorff and the list goes on. I actually think it’s the whole dangerous, sex god, dominate, manly, mysterious thing. Pants and I went to go see the movie Twilight last night, which was good if you’re a fan of the book. Not great because there is so much more to the book, but good and full of really amazingly hot eye candy, so points for that! Shortly after the main male character came on screen and spewed some of those Oh! so well written lines Pants looked at me and said “We are in trouble!”,and I knew exactly what she meant as I giggled. The title of this post is actually a line the vampire tells the girl he falls in love with. I mean who really says stuff like that? This is one of those books that makes you wish to fall unbearably hard for someone who just so happens to say and do the most perfect things. It’s the type of fluff that NO ONE could possibly live up to. That was exactly where Pants and I saw the problem. It is fiction .. but does it have to be?
On our drive home from our Turkey Day excursion to a one Wall-mart kind of town …we had time to talk and time to think while listening to Pants extra special 3 disc road trip mix. Even though I have made the statement before, it sunk in this time “No one should be scared to love or fall in love. If you’re LUCKY only once it won’t end in heart break.”
I have had a tendency in my life to make decisions based on fear of failure. It’s that whole lame perfectionist thing! Hell ask any guy I have dated, I pull the ripcord first (in some cases several times) … it feels safer. I do it because it gives me the sense of control and I THINK if I have control of the heartbreak I will somehow be able to control the pain. I consciously know this is not true but it in no way shape or form stops my pattern. Then the fear of failure usually sets me up for failure…ughh! It’s a vicious cycle I tell ya! So I decided I’m done with that. Not just in the whole romance department either, in my life in general. I have missed great opportunities before due to my fear of failure. I recently asked myself.. what the fuck am I so afraid of? Anytime I have fell head over heels for someone … even if it didn’t work out, I didn’t regret it. The good always out weighted the bad. Anytime I have taken a chance with great risk, even if it didn’t work out I learned something. It also reminds me time and time again, everything happens for a reason. So I am essentially fearing a few of lifes greatest gifts … the feeling of being in love, happiness and the ability to succeed. Yeah that seems pretty fucking stupid and I’m smarter than that. Why it took a fictional 17 year old vampires true love story to show me that the feeling of loving someone so much it hurts is nothing to be afraid of is well, …kinda cooky! Even by my standards! I guess anyone can find a moment of reflection anywhere, mine just camein the form of a vampire romance novel.
So today I officially break up with the fear of failure! Na, fuck that … we are getting a divorce! Writing the last sentence a smile ran across my face. Instead of fearing what may come, I am excited. I hope my heart gets shattered to bits many times over because that means I have loved greatly. I hope I fall flat on my face trying a million different things because that means I will be filled with knowledge and experience. It means my life will be lived not watched from the sidelines. So i am off to do some living with a huge smile on my face. Wish me heart break and mistakes!
In honor of my new found …ummph!!!! Here is a link to my all time favorite love song by Van Morison, I’ll be your lover too. Turns out the actor who played the sexy little vampire from Twilight, Robert Pattinson is a HUGE Van Morrison fan and recorded the song. He has a great voice! There is no video of it..so someone took the time to compile an eye candy video showing the lyrics.