When my last relationship ended, I moved in with Miss Communication. At the time I was going through many emotions, obviously. At that time I was yearning for a feeling of home. During my search for answers and comfort I wrote this:
I think that throughout my life having a place to call home is something that I have never really taken for granted. I mean come on, when I was little and upset where did I want to go?!…”I wanna go home”..haha. It’s really weird when you are older (*cough* 25) and find yourself saying the same thing. When I dont feel good, I wanna go home. I have had a bad day, I wanna go home.
When I moved away and lived with roommates, we made our little house a home. We all had two homes, the one with our families and the one that we all did the best we could with our o’hana. That was a pretty great feeling. After I moved back to my childhood home, my parents had plans to move to their new house in another state. Uh, that was hard. I had a choice on where to go and I made it thinking that I was making the best decision for me at the time. The one main place as I always new as home was going to someone else. To this day (even living 5 minutes from) I have never driven by my old house. LOTS of memories and tears in that place. Don’t get me wrong my parents new place is great, but it’s not quite home. I don’t know where absolutely everything is because it’s been there for the past 20 years. I havent banged my head repeatedly on that counter corner when I was the perfect height and then when I got older used it as a dance floor (yeah thats why it was cracked, I guess 20 girls was it’s max capacity, sorry about that). I dont know where the little white stool (that my dad made) is that I use to use to brush my teeth cause I couldn’t reach. The bedroom where my friends and I use to bounce around in singing “My Way” or the “Boy is Mine”. The countless Christmas Eve’s with my whole family (those I miss the most). And the many awesome parties (sorry mom and dad) that I always got caught for. It’s their home now (even though I could be there forever if I wanted too).
It’s been really hard to build a home of my own since. I have really tried, but unfortunately it didnt work and was never really mine. Though I tried… I tried VERY hard. With my recent split (even before) I find myself sitting places and thinking “I wanna go home”. But here is where my problem lies. Where is home for me now? I know they say that home is where the heart is, but what about when your heart is broken? When your heart can barely beat on it’s own let alone tell you what to feel for where. Let alone feel anything.
Through life (though I have lots more to live and learn) I have realized that it’s the little things that matter most, that mean the most. I want to thank my friends and god (buddah whoever) for these friends and their families, that have opened their homes up to me during trying times. I can never thank you enough. For a gesture that is so small to you has meant the WORLD to me and I love you all from the bottom of my heart.
I decided to post this today because it’s the holidays and it when you start thinking bout the past year. It’s also when you need home the most. I spent Christmas at my parents house and had an amazing time. At the end of my visit I really longed to be back here. To be back home. Wow… I have a home now =) And I wanna go home.
To Miss Communication:
You have given me the best gift EVER! You have given me a home and I am forever grateful for EVERYTHING you have done for me. Thank you for showing me that a home does exist for me. Thank you for giving me shelter through my storm. No matter how far I may ever be, I will be here for you through any of yours. Together we will dance in the rain. Thank you for being the best friend that I could ever ask for!