So I am sitting on set bored out of my mind as usual. Can I please ask the world why there is Girl/Girl porn? It’s soooo freaking boring! Today isn’t too bad even though one of the girls made me mad yesterday. She waits until after I send out the call sheet to cast and crew to let me know she has a flight to catch that afternoon. No worries though since I am a ninja … I just changed the call time. I am making this sound much harder than it actually was. But it’s the point … they need to tell me crap like that in advance!
Also having a cough while being on set sucks. I am always trying to cough into my arm or shirt or hold it back so they don’t hear it on camera. “Ohh fuck be harder big boy! ::insert random phlegm cough from somewhere behind the camera :: yeah baby!” Not exactly sexy. Sadly I am sure someone somewhere right now is reading that thinking how hot it would be. Sick Phlegm perv!
I acquired a new skill recently. Well not really a skill … I am pretty sure no one would appreciate it being on a resume. I am THE clapper. My new company actually uses those black and white clapper boards with shot info written on them. Yeah they makes “movies” here! We have scripts and shot lists and mics and lights stands and everything. I discovered with my new skill that I really like the smell of dry erase markers. Maybe I can use them to sniff and get high to make Girl Girl Porn seem more interesting? I kid! Anyways…as THE official clapper, I change the info per shot and am constantly heard yelling “ … did you white balance yet? Please white balance it takes 30 second! Let’s go … I am going to clap this damn thing in 30 seconds .. start rolling. I have the clap!” You see no one here laughs when I say “I have the clap”. People at my last company would have laughed. They don’t even notice the joke. It makes me sad. Well a pornstar named Dana D. laughed. I am also the only person who started dying laughing when the director asked the camera operator referring to the lighting “does that look blown out to you?” and Dana bent over looked at her ass and said “I don’t think so”. We were the only two laughing. Most civilians won’t get that joke either. My new company does not think I’m funny.
I also was made photographer. Ummmm yeah I know what your thinking .. But Miss Communication, your not a photographer. You can’t even figure out your own point and shoot. To which I would say to you .. I FUCKING KNOW!! I TOLD THEM THAT!! Like a 100 times I told them that. I looked at my stills yesterday, I would fire me if I could. Thank god my homie is doing them for us tomorrow and I can hopefully talk them into the many benefits of photogs! My BFFEx took the time to help me last night … but apparently I was suppose to bring the camera. He gave me a book and DVD I will probably never look at again. He told me my problem was lighting .. to which I replied, DUH! Well and posing. I can usually think of 3 poses and then I just look at the girls and say “ I am not a photographer, just do what other people usually tell you to do. Come on you have been doing this long enough … work it!” They look at me like I am a moron while I am holding a large camera with lenses, have 3 lights up and a flash with a globe … apparently I look like a photographer. Little do they know … I only know where the on button is.
So let’s review ..
1. I hate Girl Girl Porn
2. I am a ninja
3. Phlegm is Sexy
4. I am a great multi tasker since I am The Clapper and have the Clap all at the same time.
5. I only look like a Photographer … and couldn’t even properly play one on TV
For the record if you’re stupid enough to actually think I have the clap, please press “ctrl + F4” on your keyboard. It’s sooo much fun! Do it .. you know you want to.
Ohhh yeah!! I signed up for the 28 Posts In 28 days Blog Challenge. If anyone wants to help captain pants and I with that by emailing us questions, surveys, ideas for topics, gift certificates, dirty messages so we can make fun of you … it would so rock!!! This is the first post for it By The Way. Damn it .. I should have made each paragraph a post! Ughhh .. first day and I fail!