… The Act of Being Whoremotional

Self Inflicted Open Heart Surgery February 6, 2009

The headline couldn’t explain it better. So, recently my history has been back to open up old wounds. My last relationship which was a very long and drawn out one ended almost a year ago. I have moved on with my life and gone through everything in between. About a week ago, I decided to crash out early one night. I was awoken by my phone ringing with a very familiar number on it, but no name. I tiredly picked up the phone and it was my ex. Apparently he had been doing some drinking and thinking. The only thing I was thinking was where his girlfriend was while he was calling me. He instantly went into’ I really care about you” mode with the” are you ok’s” and “how have you been’s”. Of course I asked the same. We started chatting it up about old times of course and then he threw a curve ball at me. He told me that he still loved me very much, was in love with me and was ready to do whatever it takes to get me back. Are you still standing? Cause I wasn’t!
My ex has always had a certain way of talking to me to get me to react a certain way or feel a certain way (both good and bad). I suggested that we meet up the next day and we did. We actually met up twice and talked about everything. He even went out of his way to run me a bubble bath with candles and everything one night. That has never happened before. I figured he must really be serious this time. My ex also decided that it was ok to finally answer all my questions that I had from the past and I discovered that he had cheated on me with someone that I have the potential of running into every once in a while. That definitely threw me through a loop.
So after two visits and starting to fall into everything with him, but only when I was with him, I took a break. I looked in the mirror and saw what a friend had pointed out to me. I was suddenly sunken in. I was not walking tall like I use to. My face looked different, my expression and my smile. I knew that this could not happen to me again. The other night I decided to talk to my ex about everything. He was pretty upset and turned into his usual self which I had known all along, had not gone too far. Just about everything in the book had been thrown at me all over again to try to get a reaction out of me. When I had noticed at this point that I had unconsciously stuffed myself into the smallest corner of my closet while I talked to him, I let him say what he needed and that was that. I did not argue, I just agreed. I saved the tears for after we hung up.
I know that I made the exact right decision for me, but it still hurts. I feel like I am going through getting my heart broken all over again. It really sucks! I have already gone through this with him so many times. I feel like I performed open heart surgery on myself just to see how far I can push it before it hurts so much it stops beating all together. I know that I will be fine, but as we know that doesn’t make anything hurt less.
So, when I was at the bookstore the other day I saw a book that had to be made just for me. It’s called “Geting Over Him and Back Out There One Month from Today”. Perfect! That’s what I thought anyways. So, I am going to give this book a try. What do I have to lose? 30 days that I was going to lose anyways?! As I am going through this day by day I will write a little something everyday on the chapter that I read. If I can help anyone else get over their heartbreak or ease any pain I want to share all that I can. So, here we go! Starting tomorrow I have 30 days. Wish me luck in being heartbreak free by March 8th!


One Response to “Self Inflicted Open Heart Surgery”

  1. Jamie Says:

    I am going through the same situation but it’s been5 years. I am a total moron and get upset at myself for feeling things when he calls. I can’t let go and I hate it. Thank you for your post.

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